Friday, December 28, 2007

Great party, Katie! You're SO popular!

Friends. It is of my highest pleasure to inform you all that I just enjoyed an evening fugged-out with pure, unadulterated (almost slutty) Sinbad bliss. Don't share my enthusiasm? Well you can if you heed these three easy-to-follow steps:

1. Drop whatever meaningless activity you're currently preoccupied with and peace out to your nearest movie retailer.
2. Rent First Kid on VHS. Yes, VHS. You want the full 90s experience. Plus, I don't think it's even available on DVD or Blu-Ray.
3. After returning home, dust off the old VCR and pop in the single, greatest hour and forty-one minutes you'll ever experience in your once-trivial lives.

Also, making your own popcorn is easier than you think! Consequently, so is losing the need for a certain M.J. Mlot to attend your social gatherings. Just kidding! LOLZ!

In other news, Catherine has just ripped out a knot in her hair. TB? Could be. According to a certain mother of mine, it's enjoying a resurgence among the Russians.

Also, if you haven't already heard - which I'm sure you already have - keep an eye peeled for YTV. The rumored line-up includes Barefoot Contessa, The Sinbad Show, Gossip Girl, and Touching Kids with Barney: The Series. And if that's not enough to incite your unwavering interest, then brace yourself for YTV's Emmy-guaranteed gem: Thirsty Thursdays with Clem-Clem. If you're itching for an hours worth of cocktail-downing, revolutionary-musing, alpaca-hugging, ginger-smirking fun - then you'd be tuned into the right place. And in the extremely-likely event that Thirsty Thursdays gets canceled before the credits for the first episode even roll - then watch out for the more readily understood: Get Shitfaced with Jonathan which will still air on Thursdays. About the same time as IV. Duh.

Who dat ninja? Is that in Newport?

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

My guinea pig received more for Christmas than I did.

Jonathan: Diana Ross is crazy, she...
Uncle Trav: They had a movie like that a couple years ago - does anyone remember that?
Grandpa: Yeah, that's what I said to Jonathan.
Jonathan: They did. This was a sequel.
Grandpa: Jonathan said it had the same name.
Jonathan: It did. It was called National Treasure.
Uncle Trav: You know... they discovered that thing under...
Mom: Yes! I know what you're talking about! I remember that! What was it called?
Jonathan: National Treasure.
Grandma: I don't know if I saw that. Did I see that?
Grandpa: Yes. You saw it with me, Wil. What was it called?
Jonathan: National Treasure.
Grandma: I dunno if I saw that.
Uncle Trav: They found it under a flag. I think. It was almost the same movie.
Jonathan: This was the sequel.
Mom: Was it a big flag? Were they in Philadelphia?
Jonathan: Yes.
Uncle Trav: Eh. Nevermind. Forget it.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Done with dat shit.

Children of men. Turning in my final exam was everything I had hoped it would be and more. To wax Choice Cuts: "As I opened the doors of Carroll - a mild summer breeze wandering about the Quad like a ghost in search of reconciliation - I feel alive and forgiven." Just playing, but really, it felt a lot like that.

This semester has been ridiculous: full of questions, growth, and hookah. I told 5 _____ the other day that if this semester were like a car ride, what started out as uncomfortably bumpy terrain turned into a seventeen car pile up, a push off a Sears Tower-sized cliff, being swallowed by a non-descript Indian fish, and CFDed out into Dante's sixth ring of Hell.

To make this short, 'cause I have packing to do - I (sorta) love you all. And again, like Parliament and that funky ball of tits from outerspace - I'M DONE WITH DAT SHIT.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Whatever you do, DON'T buy more cornbread.

Observations:
- Everyone and their mom is coming out of the woodwork with random, strange, and hardly spiritual gifts these days.
- Rachel is graduating. For real. Smile, give her a hug, and get excited as hell.
- Mr. Index is on sick leave now!
- Can Natasha please come to the registers?
- Hare Krishnas find Catherine and me LOL funny.
- If it's organically grown, it's Carrboro! If it's locally owned it's Carrboro!
- Panties = titillating.
- Vera Bradley has successfully taken over the known world.
- I'm receiving a special surprise from my Harris Teeter lover after he returns from Serena van der Woodsen's vagina.
- In Jonathan's absence, Catherine has taken over his dictatorship as Body Nazis. Yes, it's singular, Catherine insists there's a silent "s." Heil, mein F├╝hrer!
- Mexicans! Unite!
- As an addendum: Nick hasn't gotten fat - don't let you-know-who convince you otherwise.
- I wish I could say that we didn't have to get back into Fallon's car. But, we do.
- Don't lie, Zach. You don't have anything else to do.
- Giving pennies to little black children is NOT okay.
- Neither is buying Warm Vanilla Sugar body gel from BBWs with belts for sleeves.
- Where the hell is Natasha?
- When we don't go to New York City for New Years, we won't go ice skating. Some people will. We'll film it, post it on YouTube, and title it "Gingers Falling Down."
- Nurrrhhh! Deeeyhhh! Every Villian Is Lemons.
- I love my roomie.

Goodnight.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Stripes across the crotch.

Take a long, hard look at this picture. Do you know what you're looking at? If you answered "the current state of America," then you'd be correct. See that round boy with a hat? See that dumbass kid who broke a chair, then tried to sit in it again? Yes, they are our future. Our camo-pantsed, doughnut gorging, gravitationally inept future. Excited? I know I am.

Also, 5 _____ and I flipped each other off for over 30 minutes last night. Jealous much?

Thursday, December 6, 2007

The One Where I Give My Friends Nicknames So I Can Talk About Them Publicly

In her latest blog entry Choice Cuts posed several questions. Here, I will attempt to answer them.

Q: Are men more inclined to be spiritual loners than women?
A: Yes. In fact, most men are spiritually emo. Some insist on being referred to as spiritually scene, but for the most part, we're emo. Indeed - we're theologically sensitive, doctrinely angsty, and dogmatically introverted. No one understands us!

Q: Is it that they are more fiercely independent?
A: Let me answer your questions with another question: tell me what you think about me, I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings, I only ring your cell-y when I'm feelin lonely, and when it's all over please get up and leave. Thanks, Beyonce.

Q: And is it unmanly to share something so deeply intimate with others? To me, this could potentially explain the (terrifying) scarcity of men in churches and Christian organizations.
A: It's not "unmanly" but it is aromatic. Almost as aromatic as Tre Tazze. CONVOLUTED! Also, there is most certainly NOT a scarcity of men in churches and Christian organizations. The majority of us are just invisible. Not invisible by birth - that's impossible! - but we all wear cloaks that are woven in hues that don't register in the visible color spectrum. Roy G. Biv is totally outdated.

Q: Or are there just more Christian women than Christian men?
A: There are no such things as Christian women or Christian men. There are only Christian antelope. And, as everyone knows, you can't measure antelope.

Alright, hope I've cleared up a few things. Peace out, fools.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

You're all invited to my werewolf bar mitzvah.

Yeah, hi. As Cat Klaw observed, it is a new era. Down with intellectualism. Down with decent GPAs. Down with Stefano and Domenico's tired ad campaign. Off with your head! Can't wait to go to the mall!

Just kidding, but seriously - please, come enjoy the vino from my mind grapes. That is, unless you really want to keep reading excerpts from translated Russian.