Wednesday, March 26, 2008

You may have just poisoned Korea with your cash crop, Italy - but Truett Cathy is having the best blog post ever.

Ya know what I love? People who make jokes. Wanna know I love more than that? People who make jokes in the middle of class. What do I love even more than that? People who make jokes in the middle of class and then end up laughing at their own funny. Could I possibly love anything on God's green earth more than that? Of course! With all my heart and soul I just adore people who make jokes in the middle of class, laugh at themselves, don't realize that they're the only person in the room who's found anything remotely humorous in their outburst, are convinced that the sound of them laughing alone gives them full permission to try a second, third, fourth, even fifth time in less than two minutes - all the while conducting an ear-wrenching symphony of gum smacking and heavy breathing within two feet of my head. Yes. Indeed. That's what I love most.

In other news, 5 _____ has unveiled the highly-anticipated details of this millennium's premier social engagement.* Mark your calendars, lose some weight, and hide your leather bustier - because you are all invited (or not invited) to 5 _____'s Wedding Extravaganza. Who's the lucky groom? To be decided. When is it? Yet to be determined. But, where? Oh... I think you know. Indeed, the reception will be held at the behemoth of all wedding locations: the Chick-fil-A at the corner of Six Forks Road and Forum Drive. Yes, Chick-fil-A's outside seating area, conveniently situated next to the drive-thru ordering mic, makes it the ideal location for this (and any) wedding's 17 person guest list. I know what you're thinking... who's watching porn in here. I can't answer that now, but I can tell you who has made it through the rigorous selection process and can expect to be graced by a gold-encrusted Save the Date magnet. Check it.

1. 5 _____ - Bride
2. TBD - Groom
3. Tugboat - Maid of Honor
4. Asian 1 - Best Man (Yes, TBD doesn't have a say in the matter.)
5. Feed Bag - Bridesmaid #2
6. Camel - Groomsman #2 (Again, no say.)
7. Genevieve - Ring bearer
8. Mr. Outdoorsman - Father-o-Bride
9. Mrs. Outdoorsman - Mother-o-Bride
(Yeah, TBD's parents will not be in attendance.)
10. Mr. Outdoorsman, Jr. - Guest
11. Choice Cuts - Guest
12. Asian 1's Mother - Attendant
13. Camel's Mother - Attendant
14. Tootsie (Ginger's deceased turtle) - Lady in Waiting
15. Gary Busey - Master Ceremonies
16. Tracy Jordan - Pacific Rimmer
17. Truett Cathy - Guest of Honor**

Wanna come? Too bad. You're probably not invited and the stated guest list is final. Suckers. Also, guests will all be dining on cut-in-half sandwiches, lemonade, and IceDreams - of course.

* When trying to determine this millennium's premier event, a certain Wilkesboro blow-out was not considered. Had it been, it would obviously have given the event discussed above a run for its money.
** Neither 16. nor 17. are actually expected to attend.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Meet Satan.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Has he been kicking ass and taking names? Em, more like sleeping in and getting swimmer's ear.

According to Camel's mother, the recent burst of graffiti near Seven Oaks is only further indication that gangs are successfully infiltrating North Raleigh. I don't necessarily wanna expound any further on the topic. The only reason I really brought this up is so I could recount the conversation Camel and I were having in the car en route to the surprisingly well-decorated Red, Hot & Blue.

Asian 1: I mean, what do gangs do anyways?
Camel: You know... they're just bustin' caps and ridin' dirty.


What's on the to-do list for tomorrow? Glad you asked! Tomorrow, I get the pleasure to pick up 5 _____, peace out to her ghetto-fab Alma mater, grab Feed Bag, and make our way to the nearest Mickey D's for a Fillet-o-Fish showdown. Get jealous.

Friday, March 7, 2008

You smoke it... it's legal...

Is this a riddle?

Monday, March 3, 2008

Okay, someone interpret the cheese.

As it turns out, my 8 o'clock resembles a one-armed four year old child whose mild case of ADHD is being remedied by a mixture of RC Cola and cocaine. Honesty? It's a circus. Huddled in my favorite seat towards the back of the room, I prefer to pass the majority of the time pretending I'm the only normal one. That girl who looks like a Seussical the Musical reject? The instructor that verbally curb stomps any opinions that differ from his? The loud-mouth boy who thinks he knows everything, breaths louder than an asthmatic after a 5K , and is under the delusion that he's going to be our next Commander in Chief? Yeah. I'm totally better than them. Actually, that's probably not true at all - but like I said, it's what I like to tell myself.

Also - Little Feet, Pretentious Camel, and I had an enchanting conversation over dinner tonight. Here's what we concluded. If I was an immigrant from Austria who:
- Had strung together a raft and by means of creeks and streams somehow found a way out of my land-locked home country through the rest of Europe, into the Atlantic, and to the shore of Elizabeth City, North Carolina
- Was the proud father of eight painfully talented singing rugrats birthed from my first two (and now deceased) wives
- Had a third wife carrying my ninth child
- Maintained an attractiveness not understood by the American standards of beauty
- With no money or valuable skills to speak of...
... my ideal job would be a porn star. Big surprise.

Not now. Not like this.