In other news, 5 _____ has unveiled the highly-anticipated details of this millennium's premier social engagement.* Mark your calendars, lose some weight, and hide your leather bustier - because you are all invited (or not invited) to 5 _____'s Wedding Extravaganza. Who's the lucky groom? To be decided. When is it? Yet to be determined. But, where? Oh... I think you know. Indeed, the reception will be held at the behemoth of all wedding locations: the Chick-fil-A at the corner of Six Forks Road and Forum Drive. Yes, Chick-fil-A's outside seating area, conveniently situated next to the drive-thru ordering mic, makes it the ideal location for this (and any) wedding's 17 person guest list. I know what you're thinking... who's watching porn in here. I can't answer that now, but I can tell you who has made it through the rigorous selection process and can expect to be graced by a gold-encrusted Save the Date magnet. Check it.
1. 5 _____ - Bride
2. TBD - Groom
3. Tugboat - Maid of Honor
4. Asian 1 - Best Man (Yes, TBD doesn't have a say in the matter.)
5. Feed Bag - Bridesmaid #2
6. Camel - Groomsman #2 (Again, no say.)
7. Genevieve - Ring bearer
8. Mr. Outdoorsman - Father-o-Bride
9. Mrs. Outdoorsman - Mother-o-Bride
(Yeah, TBD's parents will not be in attendance.)
10. Mr. Outdoorsman, Jr. - Guest
11. Choice Cuts - Guest
12. Asian 1's Mother - Attendant
13. Camel's Mother - Attendant
14. Tootsie (Ginger's deceased turtle) - Lady in Waiting
15. Gary Busey - Master Ceremonies
16. Tracy Jordan - Pacific Rimmer
17. Truett Cathy - Guest of Honor**
Wanna come? Too bad. You're probably not invited and the stated guest list is final. Suckers. Also, guests will all be dining on cut-in-half sandwiches, lemonade, and IceDreams - of course.
* When trying to determine this millennium's premier event, a certain Wilkesboro blow-out was not considered. Had it been, it would obviously have given the event discussed above a run for its money.
** Neither 16. nor 17. are actually expected to attend.