Yes, I'll have a decaf water with organic ice.

I present to you: Pig in a Blanket.


Actually, I lied. It's a towel. Pig in a Towel. He says: "Who wants to take care of me while Jonathan is drafted into the Korean Army?" I'm just playing, but seriously - Pig needs a home while I'm abroad. Any takers?

Hey there, Sailor. Did you just step off the S.S. Fabulous?

The Second Tri-Annual OnionFest Oh-Eight Formerly Known As The Second Bi-Annual OnionFest Oh-Eight is coming. Is your stomach ready?

Cozy interlude.

Ridiculous blogging has reached fever pitch. In response, I've decided to let Pig write this entry.

jiu [-l8

Profound, no? Indeed, this entry took him a full 3 minutes to type out. 'Tis true. He's quite the tired now after a most taxing endevour. He has since decided to take a nappy nap to the lull of Ben Gibbard.

Would you like some bread? Would you like some bread?

Restaurants ravaged: 2
Distance between restaurants (in miles): 1.3
Deep fried onions devoured: 3
Calories consumed: 6630 (+ bread, entrees, and dessert)
Trips to the bathroom: 3
Biffs met: 1
Existential elevators: Let's talk about this.
Conversations-over-the-head: 17.3
Turn to the left: MEDIAN! MEDIAN! POLE!
Date for The Second Bi-Annual OnionFest Oh-Eight: TBD

Thanks The First Bi-Annual OnionFest Oh-Eight participants for a fantastic evening!

Stirred with aurum.

SMMG's presents:

The First Bi-Annual Onionfest Oh-Eight.

We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about. That's not a bee, that's a bear in a bee costume. This is my euphemism, Stephan.

The players are trying to get the booty.

Ineffective conversation of the day:
Choice Cuts: My dad played in the Davis Cup.
Ginger: Yeah right.

Overly ineffective conversation of the day:
As they stop each other next to Phillips.
Non-descript Asian Boy: You're such a stalker.
Non-descript North Faced Girl: You're such a stalker.
Long pause. Part ways.

Choice Cut logic:
Asian 1 searching for his size in a pair of women's shorts in Sears + Asian 1 attempting to find a proper fit in Boy's 8-13 gym shorts + a drastic craving for pineapple = Asian 1 is pregnant

You may have just poisoned Korea with your cash crop, Italy - but Truett Cathy is having the best blog post ever.

Ya know what I love? People who make jokes. Wanna know I love more than that? People who make jokes in the middle of class. What do I love even more than that? People who make jokes in the middle of class and then end up laughing at their own funny. Could I possibly love anything on God's green earth more than that? Of course! With all my heart and soul I just adore people who make jokes in the middle of class, laugh at themselves, don't realize that they're the only person in the room who's found anything remotely humorous in their outburst, are convinced that the sound of them laughing alone gives them full permission to try a second, third, fourth, even fifth time in less than two minutes - all the while conducting an ear-wrenching symphony of gum smacking and heavy breathing within two feet of my head. Yes. Indeed. That's what I love most.

In other news, 5 _____ has unveiled the highly-anticipated details of this millennium's premier social engagement.* Mark your calendars, lose some weight, and hide your leather bustier - because you are all invited (or not invited) to 5 _____'s Wedding Extravaganza. Who's the lucky groom? To be decided. When is it? Yet to be determined. But, where? Oh... I think you know. Indeed, the reception will be held at the behemoth of all wedding locations: the Chick-fil-A at the corner of Six Forks Road and Forum Drive. Yes, Chick-fil-A's outside seating area, conveniently situated next to the drive-thru ordering mic, makes it the ideal location for this (and any) wedding's 17 person guest list. I know what you're thinking... who's watching porn in here. I can't answer that now, but I can tell you who has made it through the rigorous selection process and can expect to be graced by a gold-encrusted Save the Date magnet. Check it.

1. 5 _____ - Bride
2. TBD - Groom
3. Tugboat - Maid of Honor
4. Asian 1 - Best Man (Yes, TBD doesn't have a say in the matter.)
5. Feed Bag - Bridesmaid #2
6. Camel - Groomsman #2 (Again, no say.)
7. Genevieve - Ring bearer
8. Mr. Outdoorsman - Father-o-Bride
9. Mrs. Outdoorsman - Mother-o-Bride
(Yeah, TBD's parents will not be in attendance.)
10. Mr. Outdoorsman, Jr. - Guest
11. Choice Cuts - Guest
12. Asian 1's Mother - Attendant
13. Camel's Mother - Attendant
14. Tootsie (Ginger's deceased turtle) - Lady in Waiting
15. Gary Busey - Master Ceremonies
16. Tracy Jordan - Pacific Rimmer
17. Truett Cathy - Guest of Honor**

Wanna come? Too bad. You're probably not invited and the stated guest list is final. Suckers. Also, guests will all be dining on cut-in-half sandwiches, lemonade, and IceDreams - of course.

* When trying to determine this millennium's premier event, a certain Wilkesboro blow-out was not considered. Had it been, it would obviously have given the event discussed above a run for its money.
** Neither 16. nor 17. are actually expected to attend.